


DEAN'S TOP 13 ZEPP TRA XX

by pullmyfingerCRASHgiggles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x19, 12x19 Coda, Dean is mad at Cas, Destiel - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supernatural Season 12, season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 02:24:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10777506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pullmyfingerCRASHgiggles/pseuds/pullmyfingerCRASHgiggles
Summary: Cas has listened to the tapes 37 times already, but never with this amount of guilt. He can't take it any more. Kelly is refusing to have the Winchester's help but the Winchester's are Cas' family. He has to go back? Dean is angry enough as it is.Coda for 12x19Pre-DestielMy interpretation on what is on that tape and why Cas felt like he had to return it.





	DEAN'S TOP 13 ZEPP TRA XX

Cas glanced in the mirror at Kelly.  
Again.  
He sighed.  
Why? Why did he betray the angels, his brothers, for her and her child?  
Why did he betray Sam and Dean, his family, for her and her child?  
Why did he betray Dean?  
How could he?  
Cas' grip on the wheel tightened as he focussed his eyes on the road, blinking furiously to avoid the stinging, sign of tears.  
He wouldn't let himself get so emotional over this.  
The tape Dean had gotten for him was a huge weight in his pocket, pulling the left side of his body down.  
He'd played that tape exactly 37 times since Dean had given it to him.

_There was a soft knock on the door but it still made Cas flinch._  
_"Cas? Hey buddy can I come in?"_  
_Cas opened his mouth to ask Dean to wait a second but Dean had already opened the door._  
_Cas turned away, ashamed of how rough he knew that he looked. Physically he had no lasting effects from the lance but being so close to death again had really taken it's toll on him, then being rejected by the winchesters had pushed him right over the edge of emotionally well._  
_"Cas." Dean's voice cracked. "You should have text me, I wouldn't have gone on the beer run with Sam." He came and sat by Cas on the bed._  
_"I'm fine, you don't need to-"_  
_"Cas." Dean cut him off, putting a hand on Cas' shoulder, making Cas turn to face him. "It's okay to be upset, what happened today..."_  
_"I'm fine now."_  
_"Physically yeah, but Cas, you were gonna die."_  
_"I'm aware of that."_  
_"Oh no you don't, don't start putting that armour on, c'mon man. Talk to me."_  
_Cas sighed, more tears threatening to escape, stinging his eyes._  
_"It hurt, a lot." Cas mumbled._  
_"I could see that, man."_  
_"You said you'd seen worse. You thought I was gonna be fine."_  
_"Dude, I was lying. I was terrified. Weren't you scared?"_  
_Cas nodded slowly._  
_"C'mere."_  
_Dean held his arms open and eventually pulled Cas in for a hug, one hand in Cas' hair._  
_"You're safe now."_  
_"It's not that."_  
_"Then why are you crying?"_  
_Cas sniffed, wiping his eyes. "Doesn't matter, you can go now."_  
_"Cas."_  
_"Go." Cas pushed his way out of Dean's arms._  
_Dean sighed,putting a hand in his pocket._  
_"Look, I froze okay. I didn't want your last moments to be me freaking out over you, I didn't want to remember you like that. I just froze, that's why Mom was with you. it should've been me with you, I know."_  
_"I didn't want you to remember me like that either but you could have at least said something."_  
_"You mean-"_  
_"I don't expect you to say it back or anything but you just stared at me and-"_  
_Dean pulled Cas in again, muffling the crying from Cas' throat that Cas was desperatly trying to stop._  
_"I'm sorry Cas, I just- I can't say it. You know how I feel about you." Dean stroked Cas' hair._  
_"Look, I got something that might make you feel better about it all?"_  
_"What is it?"_  
_Dean pulled his hand out of his pocket and handed Cas a tape._  
_"Dean's top 13 Zepp Tra xx?"_  
_"It's Traxx, like soundtracks." Dean gave Cas a fond smile._  
_"Just, next time you're in your truck, listen to it and you'll know how I feel about you. 'Cos I don't go 'round giving tapes to everyone do I?" Dean smiled again._  
_"No I guess not." Cas smiled back, putting the tape into his pocket._

Cas had put the tape in before he'd even thought about doing it, turning the volume down not to wake Kelly up.  
Dean's voice filled his ears.

 ** _'Hey Cas, uh, so I know you don't like all the loud stuff I listen to in the car but I think you'll like these ones, they're a bit quieter and serious. Like you I guess. They make me think of you sometimes. Let me know your favourite one if you uh listen to them ornot, you don't have to just yeah, um so, okay'_ **  
Cas felt guilt seeping into his gut.  
There was a small second of shuffling until the first song came on.

_**'It is the springtime of my loving- the second season I am to know** _  
_**You are the sunlight in my growing- so little warmth I've felt before'** _

Cas pushed the skip button quickly.  
The machine whirred as it skipped to the next song.  
Cas listened to the strange sounds at the start of the song, the sounds almost a comfort, how many times had he listened to the opening of this song whilst on a long stretch of road?  
It was soothing.

_**'And if you feel that you can't go on** _  
_**And your will's sinkin' low** _  
_**Just believe and you can't go wrong** _  
_**In the light you will find the road (You will find the road)** _  
_**Hey, oh, did you ever believe that I could leave you** _  
_**Standing out in the cold** _  
_**Hey, babe, I know how it feels 'cause I have slipped through** _  
_**To the very depths of my soul, yeah** _  
_**Oh, baby, I just want to show you what I'd give you** _  
_**It is from every bend in the road** _  
_**Now listen to me** _  
_**Oh, whoa-whoa, as I was and really would be for you, too, honey** _  
_**As you would for me, oh, I would share your load** _  
_**Let me share your load, ooh, let me share, share your load** _  
_**And if you feel that you can't go on'** _

Cas could see Dean humming along to this song in the impala, occassionally singing along out of tune.  
He only put this song on once Sam was asleep and it was just the two of them awake in the car, Dean knew Cas liked this song because Cas would catch him smiling when he saw Cas leaning his head back, listening to the song.  
Cas' hand jerked to the skip button again.

Cas knew that logically all of these songs would make him feel guilty but he let the next one play.

  
**_'Workin' from seven to eleven every night_ **  
**_It really makes life a drag_ **  
**_I don't think that's right_ **  
**_I've really been the best of fools_ **  
**_I did what I could, yeah_ **  
**_'Cause I love you, baby_ **  
**_How I love you, darling'_ **

Cas hit the radio hard to pause the damn thing and pulled over.  
He checked that Kelly was okay and stepped out of the car, ignoring that the radio had come back on.  
Stupid truck.  
The next song had begun to play.

_**'Spent my days with a woman unkind** _  
_**Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.** _  
_**Made up my mind to make a new start** _  
_**Going To California with an aching in my heart.** _  
_**Someone told me there's a girl out there** _  
_**With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.'** _

Cas pulled his phone from his pocket, seeing 7 messages from Dean and 11 missed calls from him.  
Sam had text him 3 times.  
He sighed and opened the texts from Sam first.

_'Cas, please don't listen to whatever Dean's messaging you. He's pissed, just come back. We can figure this out.'_

  
_'Just answer his calls'_

  
_'Please Cas, we need you here at the bunker. I've missed you.'_

Cas almost didn't open Dean's messages after Sam's first text but Dean would yell at him for reading them or for ignoring them so he might as well.

_'I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you at the minute but you better get your feathered ass back to this goddamn sandbox, I don't care what is going on in Heaven. You don't just leave. Come back.'_

  
_'If you're going MIA again don't bother coming back, I can't deal with this anymore. Just me and Sam. Whatever.'_

  
_'Do you not fucking remember what those bastard brothers and sisters of yours have done to you?! You dumb bastard, get home now.'_

  
_'Answer my fucking calls Castiel. Stop ignoring me.'_

  
_'I'm not gonna logic you. That baby is too powerful. You were onboard with getting rid of the power now after holding hands with some human chick you're all pro baby satan?! Call me back and explain. If you've been brainwashed and didn't mean what you did fine, we'll talk about it. Cas, just call me back.'_

  
_'If we're done just tell me'_

  
_'I need to talk to you, please don't leave me in the dark Cas, please. I'm begging you here'_

Cas spent another three songs outside of the car, staring at Dean's contact on his phone.  
He remembers the photograph used for his caller ID.

  
_They'd all been to the bar trying to hustle pool, Claire and Jody had been in town too and had tagged along._  
_Cas had had too much to drink and was rosy cheeked and clumsy, Dean was no better._  
_They'd lost the money Sam had just won at hustling pool and were trying to hustle eachother but missing the balls, hitting eachothers cues over the table, grinning._  
_Cas remembers Sam and Jody laughing at them and Claire rolling her eyes, smiling._  
_At what, he didn't know._  
_But Jody came over and told them both the smile._  
_Dean grinned and threw his arm around Cas' shoulder._  
_"Bit closer, Cas you're not in the frame." Jody winked at Sam._  
_Dean had pulled his arm away, only to wrap it back around Cas' waist and pull him closer._  
_Dean gave the camera a grin whilst Cas smiled, the heat of Dean's arm burning his back._  
_Jody had sent him the photograph._  
_Cas smiled looking at it, it was a good photograph of Dean._  
_His skin was nicely tan from a day of being outdoors and he was smiling wide, no monsters for miles._

  
It made Cas even more guilty.  
Cas touched Dean's face on the photograph, not meaning to, calling Dean.  
It went straight to voicemail.  
Cas put the phone back into his pocket and sat inside the truck.  
The seventh track starting to play.

_**'Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light** _  
_**To chase a feather in the wind** _  
_**Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight** _  
_**There moves a thread that has no end** _  
_**For many hours and days that pass ever soon** _  
_**The tides have caused the flame to dim** _  
_**At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom** _  
_**Is this to end or just begin?** _  
_**All of my love, all of my love'** _

Cas felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, that was when he realised he'd zoned out for a good twenty minutes and the 11th track was about to play because Dean's voice was playing.

  
_**'Hey Cas, how you liking it? I know I coulda just got you a CD or a tape from the store but this seemed better because then I get to pick out the ones I think you'll like. This next one is one of the most popular ones, if you don't wanna listen all about Heaven you can skip it, I won't mind but I really think you'll like it. I like this one, I used to play this for Sam when he was a toddler to get him to go to sleep.'** _ Dean chuckled on the tape. **_'Okay, it's a long one. Just stick with it, buddy.'_ **

  
Dean was right, this was one of Cas' favorites on the tape.  
Dean knew him too well.  
His phone buzzed again.  
Cas sighed, pulling over and getting out of the truck.

  
Before Cas could even answer with 'hello'.  
Dean was talking.  
"Cas, I was, the phone was off when you called me back and then you didn't answer your phone again. I thought you were in trouble and-"  
"I'm not hurt, I just didn't hear my phone until now. Are you okay?"  
"Oh right. No, Cas. I'm not okay."  
"Physically?"  
"Yes I'm fine physically you ass. God Cas, I don't understand you sometimes. Do you want to be part of this family or not?"  
"You said you didn't want me in your messages."  
"Answer the fucking question, Castiel."  
Cas heard Sam in the background, probably saying Dean's name.  
"Yes."  
Dean sighed down the phone and Cas heard a door shutting.  
"I want you here, Cas. It's not that hard, man."  
"You don't understand."  
"I can't understand if you don't give me a chance to. That's always what happens. You keep something secret, scew up, don't tell us and then don't explain cos we won't understand."  
"Whenever I try to explain you don't listen and say I'm wrong."  
"That's because you're usually wrong, you're like a goddamn child."  
"As you often remind me." Cas growled down the phone.  
"Listen to me, you're gonna come home and we're gonna sort this out. Family doesn't just leave, they sort it out."  
"We never do that."  
"We need to start. Dammit Cas, you're fucking imortant to me, I need you to be here."  
"I have to take care of Kelly."  
"You can take care of her here."  
"Dean."  
"No, listen. Either you come home or you don't come home and I come and sort Kelly out myself, with or without you. I'll be setting off tomorrow night. Capiche?"  
The phone line went dead and Cas threw his phone onto the passenger seat, head in his hands.  
Dean's soft voice coming from the radio now that the long song had finished.  
It was such a stark difference from his voice on the phone call that someone who didn't know Dean might think it were two different people.

' _ **Long song huh? These next two aren't exactly slow and quiet but they're not real loud either. They're my favorite songs. I can't decide between the two. Tell me which you like the best. I've been tryin' to figure out which I like the best since I was nineteen.'** _  
Cas took the tape out of the player and turned it back to the start.  
He quickly did a U-turn and pressed play, back to the start.

He drove quickly in the dead of the night, the tracks doing nothing to calm his nerves, he listened to the tape twice more until he got to the familiar dirt path.  
Outside the bunker he listened to the last track, the one track he hadn't listed to the entire way back.

  
_**'Hey Cas, this one's a bit loud I guess. But hear me out, listen to it. Don't stop it at the end either, wait til the tape's comepletely over'** _

_**'Leaves are falling all around** _  
_**It's time I was on my way** _  
_**Thanks to you I'm much obliged** _  
_**For such a pleasant stay** _  
_**But now it's time for me to go** _  
_**The autumn moon lights my way** _  
_**For now I smell the rain** _  
_**And with it pain** _  
_**And it's headed my way** _  
_**Ah, sometimes I grow so tired** _  
_**But I know I've got one thing I got to do** _  
_**Ramble on** _  
_**And now's the time, the time is now** _  
_**To sing my song** _  
_**I'm goin' 'round the world, I got to find my girl** _  
_**On my way** _  
_**I've been this way ten years to the day** _  
_**Ramble on** _  
_**Gotta find the queen of all my dreams** _  
_**Got no time for spreadin' roots** _  
_**The time has come to be gone** _  
_**And thoough our health we drank a thousand times** _  
_**It's time to ramble on** _  
_**Ramble on** _  
_**And now's the time, the time is now** _  
_**To sing my song** _  
_**I'm going 'round the world, I got to find my girl** _  
_**on my way** _  
_**I've been this way ten years to the day** _  
_**I gotta ramble on** _  
_**I gotta find the queen of all my dreams** _  
_**I ain't tellin' no lie** _  
_**Mine's a tale that can't be told** _  
_**My freedom I hold dear** _  
_**How years ago in days of old** _  
_**When magic filled the air** _  
_**'T was in the darkest depths of Mordor** _  
_**I met a girl so fair** _  
_**But Gollum, and the evil one** _  
_**crept up and slipped away with her** _  
_**Her, her, yeah** _  
_**Ain't nothing I can do, no** _  
_**I guess I keep on rambling** _  
_**I'm gonna, yeah, yeah, yeah** _  
_**Sing my song (I gotta find my baby)** _  
_**I'm going 'round the world (I gotta ramble on sing my song, gotta work my way around the world baby, baby)** _  
_**Ramble on, yeah** _  
_**Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, my baby** _  
_**Doo, doo, doo, doo, doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo** _  
_**I gotta keep searching for my baby (baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby)** _  
_**I gotta keep-a-searchin' for my baby (my, my, my, my, my, my, my baby)** _  
_**Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (my, my, my, my, my, my baby)** _  
_**Oh, I can't find my bluebird (my, my, my, my, my, my, yeah)** _  
_**I'd listen to my bluebird sing but I, I can't find my bluebird (yeah, I keep rambling baby)** _  
_**I keep rambling baby (I keep, I keep, I keep)** _  
_**I keep rambling baby, baby, baby, baby, baby'** _

Cas impatiently tapped his hand on the steering wheel, checking that Kelly was still asleep.

  
_**'Hey, so those are the top 13. Pretty good huh? Anyway, um. I kinda made this to give you a message, sorta, I mean a lotta the songs speak for themselves and giving you a tape I made pretty much spells it out but you're different, you probably thought this was just me giving you music education huh? Anyway, um, Cas, I uh- God I suck at this, Jesus. Cas, I- I love you okay? That's why I made this for you, I seriously love you man, yeah, there you go.'** _

  
Cas took the tape out and swapped the tape for his bunker key in his pocket.  
This was going to be a difficult morning.  
But he was home, Kelly would most likely be safe and the child.  
He could patch things up with Sam and Dean.  
He can't let them down again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Zeppelin Tracks  
> 1\. The Rain Song  
> 2\. In the light  
> 3\. Since I've been loving you  
> 4\. Going to California  
> 5\. Immigrant song  
> 6\. Heart Breaker  
> 7\. All of my love  
> 8\. Rock and Roll  
> 9\. Kashmir  
> 10\. Houses of the holy  
> 11\. Stairway to Heaven  
> 12\. Travellin' Riverside blues  
> 13\. Ramble On
> 
> I didn't include the entire lyrics for the most of the songs I put in because let's be honest, hardly anyone reads them any way and not all of the songs are included, just the ones I think are most important to Cas is this mind frame.  
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed.  
> C


End file.
